When her first-born was little, Heather Davis, found time outs were the perfect way to teach Ethan, now eight, to respect safety rules. And she had every intention of disciplining six-year-old Cameron the same way. But he responded by humming or tapping his feet during time outs. “The swagger when he would mosey over to the stairs – it was unbelievable!” says Davis. Now Cameron loses a beloved privilege instead: his bedtime story.
Rather than stick to a useless routine in the name of consistency, Richard Young, a Professor of counseling Psychology suggests adjusting to different contexts in this case, a child who isn’t responding well. “Governments, institutions and employers do it all the time,” he points out. “If they don’t get the outcome they want, they change their minds.” If your kids ask why their consequences are different, Young suggests explaining that these things can depend on the situation. Remind your kids that they’re different people, and you sometimes need different ways to help each of them learn.
Adjust for circumstances
Imagine your brother arrives on a Tuesday to babysit. The kids are allowed treats only on weekends, but he passes out chocolate bars. You’re not going to order them to do 50 push-ups when you get home, arc you? “You are backtracking in a sense, but under special circumstances,” say Young. “That’s perfectly legit and it’s what life is about: deciding what’s appropriate in this context.” If you’re relaxing the rules temporarily, the experts suggest that you give children a warning ahead of time and, for kids old enough to understand, explain why. “It shows there are limits and consequences, but there is also flexibility,” says facilitator Lori McMechan, who leads parenting groups for the Elspeth Family Resource Centre.
The same goes for adjusting consequences. When a tantrum erupts in the cereal aisle and you really need milk and bread, you don’t need to evacuate the grocery store as you would normally do; instead, find a quiet corner to help your child wind down. ‘”Ask yourself, ‘How can I be somewhat consistent, or make an adaptation?”
Admit when you’re wrong
With all the parenting books praising the virtue of consistency, it’s tough not to feel pressure to always follow through, even when you’ve made an admittedly bad call. And if your kids argue, it can be tempting to put up your proverbial dukes for a power struggle, just to protect your dignity. If you do assign an unrealistic penalty, talk to your child. “It’s OK to say, “I was mad and I didn’t think this through,” says McMechan.”Kids learn it’s not great to act when you’re angry, but you can go back and fix it.”
By: Francis David
